La Rochelle , october 1985
My very dear Epo,
It’s seems we’ve overcome this first month of the year which separates you from high school, haven’t we?
Lark, I’ve promised that I would be there each time you needed to write or speak during these days, and I’ve got only one word ( we all should …) I’ve waited so greedily for high school myself that I can easily understand this feeling of endless time, my activity bulimia probably comes from there, as well as this unfortunate tendency to insomnia.
Nothing bores me during the hours of the night, and especially not all these things that you say which do not seem bland or confused to me.
All that to say you don’t always have to be witty or on the point, those who are obsessed with it often fall into caricature and get boring from wanting to be interesting at all costs.
There are many things I may see in what you’re telling.
First, these worries about Colin which probably wouldn’t exist without the adults’ pressure. As long as he does well, why bother him with his plans for next year ? I don’t want to question this friendship your father has for a long time, but why does he let this “Edouard” intrude like that in his son’s university career ? Really I think that the less you involve “informed advisers” in the guidance of someone, the more you give him the possibility to find what will really make him feel fulfilled.
I would even go further, for me it smacks of deception. I don’t feel like your mother has a say in all this, and with his prestige as a “writer” and his elitist mentality he would have the right to take her place and steal her concerns about Colin’s future? To be completely frank with you, I don’t find this very “sane”, even if it’s none of my business…
What bothers me the most in this story is that the place of this man in your family affects you too, makes you feel useless and unimportant. So it doesn’t seem so surprising that you seek refuge in lyrics and sounds. We probably never see ourselves so well than in songs that touch us.
I’m not the greatest Depeche Mode’s fan, but I’ve listened to “Leave in silence” and I loved it. I find Martin Gore really good at catching the scent of toxicity that surrounds us sometimes, and of relationships falling apart.
As for Ian Curtis, what he writes always seemed to me ( and this is very personal, but anyway …) to be the ultimate point of vibration that a lucid mind can achieve when he comes up against the incomprehension of others. I wouldn’t say it’s sadness; not only, but an absolute degree of clairvoyance , and what happens when you listen to him may finally be as ancient as world. A catharsis.
To me, it’s precisely related to what you say about poetry which can’t afford to lie. But there’s a tragedy in it also, such a point of truth rarely finds an answer in the world we live in, and when it does , it can be too late. Maybe your mother can be right on this point : don’t immerse yourself too much , or too fast in his lyrics; also stay grounded in reality, even if it seems boring to you.
Call me when Colin will be back for holidays; we’re going to mix in Rochefort at the end of the month. Coquelicot got over her breakup and thanks god she’ll be on boards with us again. But there is nothing exceptional in what we do,our respective jobs and studies don’t leave us much time for creation, unfortunately. David’s arrival gives me some hope however, the repertoire he brings maybe give us more leeway.
I may explain it to you more precisely later, but I’m exhausted, and I don’t want to miss the moment when sleep will finally catch me.
Take care of yourself, and once more, don’t hesitate to write what bothers you , but also what excites you (as Colin doesn’t seem to be very “available” at the moment) . Have a sweet week Eponine and don’t get it into your head that your moment will never come.
Read you very soon,