How to kidnap Colin

La Rochelle, October 1985

My dear Epo,

It is once more very late at night or very early in the morning, all the others have left the flat and sleep stubbornly doesn’t come.
Time for me to write you my report on the case that concerns us, isn’it ?
Coquelicot , Maude and Valentine were here tonight and  we had heated discussions about Colin’s situation. It was nice to have girls’ point of view on it. But one thing always remains; it is serious , and we have to do something for your brother. Not only to avoid Edouard’s presence at the beginning of holidays, but to build his project for next year.

I’ve called him. He’s in such a state of despair that he can’t even have the slightest idea of ​​what will become of him. It hurts me, what happens to him, I can feel it in my flesh; and I’m not exaggerating. It was good to talk to each other, and to realize that we have to deal with the same difficulties in our lives. And really Eponine , I thank you to have trusted me this way, for calling me immediately; and for confiding his problem to me. I know it may sounds weird, being glad in such circumstances; but rest assured that I will do anything to help him.

Since you have to know the enemy well in this kind of business, I got it into my head yesterday to read Edouard’s books; but surely not to buy them. And as he’s a “local hero” I thought I would find some old ones at the library on Gargoulleau’s street. But I was a little ashamed to ask the curator who I know is a fine scholar, not particularly fond of this kind of literature.
I was searching by myself on the shelves, and there, stroke of luck; I came across a crazy Edouard’s admirer… It must be his readership, idle middle-class women in their forties, but you know me a little now; I can be hypocritical enough to strike up a conversation.

I love people, and their diversity fascinates me; but frankly there are things totally beyond me. However, this little talk brought me a detailed bibliography,and especially the language elements in force among his fandom…

Virgile visited me in the afternoon, and caught me reading his latest novel : Restless by my side (just the title is evocative …) Well, of course he didn’t expect to find me immersed in this kind of hyper- heteronormous literature. Then we drank and laughed a lot by reading together; and it ended with a bet.

Dare or not (for a bottle of scotch) to pass me off as an old Edouard’s  bigot who would call his publishing house to know the dates of his promotional tour in the United States. I know Virgile and Colin aren’t on very good terms, but you’ll always find Virgile’s support for a good prank.
And it didn’t stop there, he will have to order me Erasure’s first LP (Wonderland, to come next year)  at our rather picky record seller, because I even played my role of old fury to call his first book fair in Boston. We now know exactly when he will have to leave France and be sure that David, Virgile and your servant will kidnap Colin precisely beyond this limit. It will be good that you call us during this kidnapping, to keep us informed of what the sad sire intends to do.

Because really, on top of all the hassle he causes us; his book literally falls from my hands ( maybe I’ve found my Rohypnol , sugar, thank you ! ) I wonder why such tortuous love intrigues and all these privileged men’s concerns can interest so much people; they seem so far from the struggle of life. And I say love, but it’s almost sex; with very few feelings, always incomplete ( in my opinion anyway) . I understand so much why Colin wants to run away from this world …

We are not giving you the funniest part in this case, but I promise you that we’ll properly celebrate our victory at the DJs’ set in Rochefort, and why not invite Diane? Tender friends also deserve their ( great) reward.

Have a nice last week of school, and lots of kisses…

Alb