In a Rush

La Rochelle, March 1986

My dear Epo,

I said « quick » to myself this night. And hopefully quick enough to catch you packing for Germany , for I’ve been lazy those days, joyfully recovering from my ascent of the Mont Blanc.
Nature, physical stimulation, blinding sun have made me fly so far away from you all , I needed to be scorched a little bit; with the company of other guys,  to make my decision and write you, and tell you all.

Colin has always been reluctant to tell you what happened between us.  I wanted to respect his choice, not having had the experience myself of a little brother or sister; I did not feel well placed to judge what was right or wrong to do. But I think that from the moment you love someone; it is not coherent to hide anything from on the pretext that this person should be “protected”.

Colin probably felt from the start that I would not engage with him.
It is really important for me to help him, besides I continue to do it; we’re still in touch. But to understand each other so well, in his adversity that I felt as mine; we were seized with a fever that is not love. Your brother is a wonderful guy, physically, intellectually; his sensitivity is immense and the fact of having grown up in a favorable environment was able to preserve this sensitivity. Do not interpret it as a reproach, I believe on the contrary that it is a blessing; but Colin has not yet learned to beware of illusions.
He was distraught, I wanted to help him because at that moment I was more solid; this may be called a rebound relationship, although Colin was still with Simon , but not satisfied with him.

He told me he had to go and live his own life, for that he takes competitions to reach interpreting schools in Germany. We looked for leads together, we went to Paris together for the written exam who could open the doors of Berlin to him. He’s eligible to an interview over there in April. It was a wonderful joy until he asked me to go with him, and if he succeeds to settle down with him in Berlin.
Despite all the affection I have for him, it is not part of my plans. Since graduation (and even before) I want to go to finish my studies in England. I gave up music so as not to overload mom with worry but I want to be in the heart of  places where this music ferments, before this decade comes to an end. You understand that, Eponine, do you ?

I know my time is running out and I have already refused other things to make this dream come true. Virgile and I did our year of military service right after graduation. I remember us entering the barracks, exhausted because we had such a short rejoicing night… even if I had told him that I would not go in his sound engineering school in Paris ( far too expensive for mom anyway…)
England will be my time, which I’ll embrace with full arms and heart, once I’ll have my master in pocket.

But I don’t want Colin to spoil his chances by still nourishing dreams of us both. I’ll keep on doing everything I can for his success, but he’s not the guy of my life. If you’re not hurt by what I’m saying, you could accompany him also; to go over what I think is a fallacious attachment, while our friendship is true and precious.

You already both found a way, let’s enjoy this early and wonderful spring; let’s enjoy “Black Celebration” . I bought it.
I yearned for “A Question Of Lust” ; which Colin told me about. The more I listen to Martin’s lyrics, the more I realize their invaluable universal scope.
I imagine you felt side by side in the sweetness of this night the same feeling of liberation as me; as everyone who suddenly finds the outcome of a too tight heart when a stranger voice full of pure emotion miraculously comes to find its place in its intertwining too complex for the reason.
If I can suggest one thing to you though, when you’ll buy “Black Celebration” certainly in Stuttgart, that would be to listen to « Stripped”; I don’t tell you more.

Have a wonderful trip, sweet; I can’t wait to read you.


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