About Shame, etc …

La Rochelle, May 1986

My very dear Epo,

I wouldn’t like to know you on anxiolytics in a year or two. Really not.
So let’s give a good doc’s kick to this patriarchal and secular construction that is shame.

What is shame ? It is often justified as a necessary safeguard, an interior director of consciousness, which without recourse to the force of others keeps us on the slope of savagery. Shame would be civilization instilled into the unconscious, through centuries of education. But in all this good work, who finds him/herself wearing this antique corset most closely?
I don’t believe that it’s from young girls of fifteen that the return to barbarism should be the most to fear. So, shame, wouldn’t that be a very practical way to guarantee full and complete obedience, while preserving a good image of peaceful virtue guardian?

You see what I mean now, I guess.
I know deep in myself what shame is, for many reasons. But I know even deeper what abuse is; and that in this archaic morality which still restricts us, shame does not fight abuse; but that it is on the contrary its most precious keeper of the secret.
So , that’s without shame that I’ll write again those Edouard’s words that you feared so much to tell me :

“ If a twenty-one  year old boy is interested in a young girl of fifteen, it is surely not for her conversation.”
You see, I’ve written it; and I could write it again till the end of this page, because it makes me laugh.
I regret not being in front of this dear Edouard, to ask him how old a man ceases to be a potential predator.
Why twenty-one?

Without wanting to do pop psychoanalysis, I think we got a nice case of projection. In his novels, he often speaks of his attraction to ingenuity. But he surely thinks that I am unable to read or understand them …
We’re gonna be serious for five minutes now, and unravel the real motives for this pathetic warning. Edouard knows perfectly well what my sexuality is, and he will never accept the fact that I helped Colin run away from him; even less that I was so close to him. He may be other than the triumphant straight you all know.

But in any way, it’s not your integrity that’s at stake, in the struggle that he begins to lead again there. It is, in fact, his power. He can no longer hold Colin, who’s of age; you remain the only one by whom he can maintain his influence over your parents; but also its toxic presence in Colin’s mind , who will not stand to know that you are under surveillance in your turn.
And don’t worry Epo, I won’t let you. We won’t let you. You may count on my continued full support, and I also owe it to Colin who will no longer be there to ensure your independence.

This writer , he thinks he gets through everyone up to date; because his stories are successful.
But what does he know about the emotions that unite us, when miles away we listen to the same music, the same lyrics? And with all this beautiful confidence of a dominant male,  what does he know of the sacred anguish that makes an Ian Curtis, a real writer ?

Have a sweet week , Epo, and once more be sure of our constant support.
Oh , by the way , Colin told me that Depeche Mode will give a concert in Royan this summer ?
Holy F … , and not in La Rochelle ???
It’s incredible. Dream on it, Lark.
I like Eponine, she’s got nothing to be ashamed of, and I love her conversation.

Kisses ,
Alb